August Furious Fiction

So, Furious Fiction – we meet again. Just quietly, I was pretty sure I had the August AWC Furious Fiction prize IN THE BAG. The  story had to contain humour or comedy of some kind (my story was funny!), a sandwich had to be included (I included an assortment of other baked goods, too!) and it had to contain the words, dizzy, exotic, lumpy, tiny and twisted (check, check, check, check and check).  So confident was I that this story was going to finally get my name listed next to the word, ‘WINNER”, that I already spent the prize money in my mind, on a new dress and a facial.

The only spanner-in-the-works being that the day the winning story was announced … it wasn’t my name listed in the email. Bugger.

 

Baked Goods

Nobody truly believed how cutthroat the Country Women’s Association bake-off had become.

 

But when Official Judge, Morna Howden – who was tasting the Sultana Cakes at the time – clawed suddenly at her throat then promptly twisted over, dead as a doornail, it was time to take things seriously.

 

‘I warned you things were amiss,’ snipped Elva Wilson (Korbelka Branch, Spiced Fruit Chutney winner 2016, 2017). Her eyes followed the paramedics as they solemnly covered Morna Howden with a sheet. ‘Especially after last month’s fiasco when someone sprinkled the buttercream fancies with fast-acting laxative.’

 

‘The Wogan Hills Branch is still recovering from that,’ lamented tiny old Dot Dickers (Morawa Branch, Traditional Sponge third place 2016, 2017 and 2018). ‘Some of the ladies are still on the toot four or five times a day,’ she added.

 

In the corner, Fran Barker (Rocky Gully Branch, unbeaten Sultana Cake champion since 2012) moaned under her breath, slowly coming to after her fainting spell.

 

‘I just don’t know how that razor blade got into my cake – it wasn’t in the recipe, I swear…’ she whimpered. Unfortunately, the paramedics chose that moment to wheel the lumpy form that was Morna Howden past Fran, causing her to crumple to the floor once again in a dizzy, distressed heap.

 

‘Does anyone know where the brandy is?’ shouted Elva. ‘Fran’s down again.’

 

‘Poor Fran, she’ll never recover from this,’ lamented tiny old Dot Dickers.

 

‘Well, this is certainly not going to help our membership numbers, that’s what!’ said Eunice Clow (Bolgart Branch, Spiced Fruit Chutney winner 2018, 2019).

 

‘I hardly think this is the time to worry about that,’ tutted Elva. The other ladies raised an eyebrow in Elva’s direction.

 

Ever since Eunice had displaced Elva as the reigning Spiced Fruit Chutney champion in 2018, it was common knowledge Elva had it in for her.  Elva had gone so far as to lodge a formal complaint over Eunice’s use of exotic Japanese ginger in her chutney, instead of the regular grocery store kind. Sides were taken. Morna, Elva’s oldest friend, had permitted the inclusion of the more exotic ingredient.

 

The fuss triggered an unprecedented amendment to official bake-off rules; any ginger could be used in chutneys going forward.

 

When Eunice won again in 2019, using Japanese ginger, Elva was apoplectic. She never spoke to Morna again.

 

And now, Morna was clearly dead.

 

‘I think we all need a strong cuppa and some nourishment,’ said Elva.

 

The ladies nibbled their mock chicken sandwiches and slices, chewing over the day’s turn of events when Eunice Clow dropped the piece of cake she was holding in her hand, clawed suddenly at her throat, then promptly keeled over, dead as a doornail.

 

‘She was eating Fran’s sultana cake!’ cried tiny old Dot Dickers. ‘Didn’t the police take it away as evidence?’

 

A hush fell over the room as the esteemed ladies of the Country Women’s Association slowly turned their eyes towards Elva Wilson, who was silently handing around a platter of sliced cake.